Holy Hydrocele Balls.

I'M BACK IN CANADA! 

AND I NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK TO DOMINICA. EVER. 

EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you grasping the excitement in my voice?! are you? ARE YOU!!!?!?!

ohmygosh. The past few days have been so surreal and I feel as if I have robotically gone through the motions, all the while stuck in a numbed-state-of-mind.  

All of a sudden I am sitting in the Toronto airport and I'm thinking 'how the fudge-nugget did I get here?'

So let us back this crazy train up for a second...

To say that I have been a bit of an anti-social-hermit for the past while is a gross understatement. Essentially I did not leave my apartment in 3.5 weeks, except to gym (early in the morning as to avoid any crowd there), get 'groceries', study with Megan (and only megan), or to take my exams. 

I have not worn a real bra 4 weeks.  A sports bra for the gym. A bandeau for the rest of my existence. No makeup. Nothing. Effectively, any last glimmer of 'caring' was lost. Very very lost. 

One time I showed up to my review with Megan and she's all "oh did you just shower?"

I'm all "what's that now? No. Why do you ask?"

She's all "oh your hair looks wet."

Then I remember that my hair is soaked in coconut oil. I mean really, that could happen to anyone. I’m not going to lie though – I totally rocked that look…  Enough to convince Megan to also give her hair some coconut lovin.

Another time, someone knocked at my door, I open it, and it was my landlord wanting to let a prospective new tenant girl see the apartment.  I’m all ‘of course! Come in!’ 

I answer her questions about the place. They thank me and leave.

Then I went to the bathroom and actually looked in the mirror, only to realize that I still had some mud mask left on my face (I may or may not have left it on for a good 6 hours or so) such that I looked like I had a very sickly looking derm disease.

Sadly, it did not stop there. I also happen to have had my hair in 2 side buns held in with neon colored scrunchies.  Loose buns.  Such that they were kinda just dangling like borderline amazing head accessories.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that girl put her deposit down right after that – once she drew the conclusion that living there created an 8-shades-of-crazy beauty queen.

Bottom line. Each semester I feel I have gone deeper and deeper down the vortex of isolation.  I really out did myself this last semester.

The cumulative evidence was made overtly clear at the 4^th semester banquet.  Our “island prom”.  And it was clear on 6 different giant screens as they played a slide show presentation of all the pictures people had sent in of all the fun stuff they did.  Beaches. Hikes. Parties. Passed out in the classroom. Big groups. Small groups. A good 500 pictures or so, of which I was in li-tcher-ally none. Not one.  As the slide show keep rolling, I sat there smiling, taking it all in and thinking ‘well. That’s about right.’

And I felt nothing but content in that moment.

It was a fricken tough 16 months. And now I get to keep moving forward.

New chapter. Starting now.

xoxo

Boys In Suits. Ladies in Heat. Dignity Lost At Sea. We Hit the Trifecta.

I am going to attempt to go back and fill in some holes in stories I left. Some of which I'm sure you probably didn't even know about or even remember.

Let us first rewind to "Norman"  - there really isn't *much* involving me, but there's at least one semi-decent story I can share.... Near the beginning of the semester the Pediatric Club held a "Date Auction" fundraiser.  My "friend" (the quotations were not needed at the time of this event, but undoubtedly are appropriate now - but I digress) is a part of this club and was volunteering, so I went up with her in support. And for entertainment.  Before the auctioning began, there was a ping-pong tournament, so I was just mingling and being social - because let us be real for a second. I'm ah-mah-zing at it.
Of course I turn around and at that moment who should be walking in but Captain-American-Honey himself.  We stood around talking for a bit, which as with most people here is simply awkward small talk. When I am in these situations, I definitely have a tendency to dig deep into my bag of borderline-amazing conversational topics and pull out the trusty 'talk about school' card.  This is particularly useful here because when it comes to this, I am an overflowing fountain of chatty. As well as the fact that it has a unique way of asserting my seniority. Seniority on this island. Which is a *fleeting* moment one should take in before it slips away for a long.long.long time.
Norman asks me "are you getting auctioned off?"
I'm all "oh Norman. Nono. Nono. Just No.  I feel like it is appropriate to assume that you are though."
Which he was.
He's all "it's for the kids. Help raise some money. Bring in an extra 50ec or whatever."
I'm all "well let's not be too over-reaching here. maybe 20ec"

We parted ways and while I was across the room with some 'friends', I saw this little cute brunette nugget walk in. Eyes zero in on Norman. Smile. Walk right over to him. We all creepishly observed as if we we were watching a show on the Nature Channel about the stereotypical-mating-dance-of-the-female-in-heat.  She gazed up at him with her big-doe-eyes batting shamelessly, screaming 'want me. want me. want me' as she gave the tell tale sign of attraction: touching her hair much more than deemed normal by any standard.  It was extremely clear this brunette nugget wanted him, and wanted him bad.

The auction finally got started and it first began with this adorable guy who wore suspenders with his suit. Can't say I've ever really seen that before. Turns out - kinda cute. His time up on the auction block was fairly tame, with one girl coming up and loosening his tie a bit and taking down one of his sexy-suspenders. Sold for $500ec (185us).

Next guy up - ladies and auctioneer all having more drinks in them - got a little more involved. The auctioneer got the ladies a lap-dance if they bid 700ec. This was after his shirt was entirely unbuttoned. In the end he went for $900ec.

Norman's turn.  Girls were SCREAMING their bids out, as well as running thru the crowd to undo his shirt button-by-button.  The look on his face was priceless.  Because it was that of pure mortification. There is this one hot mess of a girl here (she has created a reputation her parents must be so proud of) who was 5 shots of tequila too many past the point where she should be allowed at any public gathering... What happens when you take an already loose girl, feed her inordinate amounts of alcohol, put a hot shirtless boy right in front of her nose, and put a 'for sale' sign over his head?? Determination. That's what.
Hot-Mess was screaming for more clothing to be taken off.  Hot-Mess was going up and taking Norman's shirt off.  If the bid was $500, Hot-Mess threw up her hand and screamed $600!!!!!!
Girl2: $625!!
Girl3: $650!!!
Girl4: $675!!!!
Girl5: $700!!!!!
Hot-Mess: $900!!!!!!

Let us not forget about brunette-Nugget.  She was most definitely a part of this bidding war. Hot-Mess may have been, well, a hot mess.... but Brunette-Nugget was sober. She was there with a clear mission. She countered with $950.
Hot-Mess scream $1000
B-N quiet and steadfast. $1100.
H-M waving arms and dancing around $1200!!!
B-N clearing getting frustrated.  You get the feeling that this is a girl who is used to getting what she wants. Her smile says 'oh it's all in fun'.  Her eyes say "I'll effing kill this girl in her sleep tonight if she ruins this for me". $1300.
H-M actually taking some time to consider the extreme she got herself in....$1400!!!
For a second I thought B-N was going to push through the crowd and right hook this girl in the ovary. Instead she just turned around, trying to regain her composure, paced around for a minute, then countered with $1500ec.
H-M finally concedes.

$1500ec.
Norman sold for $1500ec.
$567 us

I can imagine the phone call home - "Hi Mommy. Hi Daddy. Um so I'm going to need a little more money put into my account this month.... what for? oh um. well you see... I bought a boy... well obviously I thought it was a good investment for my future... no....ummm I got a dinner...the chips didn't fall *quite* the way I envisioned them..."

Whoopsies.

But it was "for the kids" after all.