What Have I Done? Why Am I Always All or None?

Tomorrow I take USMLE Step 2 CK (clinical knowledge).
A pretty big effing exam. 9 hrs long, but more than that, is it arguably the most important factor when being considered by potential residency programs.
Is it true the everyone takes off an entire month or even two to solely devote to studying for this exam?
You bet.
Is it true that everyone is calling me crazy?
Yup.
Is it true that we already knew I was a little crazy?
mmm yes sir yes ma'am. My parents may even raise their eyebrows and make a funny face that says, "haaa yaa right" in reference to "little" in front of the "crazy".  Which is totally fine with me, after all, I am a product of the two of their crazies put together. What did you expect!?

So that's tomorrow, the 14th.
Sunday, the 15th I depart 5am for Montreal and then turn around and come right back (except don't get in until 1030pm), just so I can renew my visa (you all remember how smoothly that went around this time last year???)
25th -- I take the MCCEE (the Canadian equivalent of Step 2 CK)
26th --- I take the IM shelf board exam. so what, who cares.
27th -- last day of IM rotation and take the hospital's final exam. Bitch please, that's child's play.
Immediately after, start driving to Halifax.
20 hrs later. Arrive.
30th -- start in the addictions psychiatry for 4 weeks. Insert big smile here.

Well... I fell (dove into) the rabbit hole a long-way back... I'm long past 'turning back now'.

Now, while you read this and send divine-genius-good-vibes my way (thanks for that - even though I'm probably already done the exam by the time you read this), I want to give you a gift back to show my appreciation of your support.

--->  Today I started in the ICU, where I will be for 2 weeks until I finish this IM rotation, and after 2 hours of rounding I am beginning to zone out a little... until I hear this...
Next patient.  This is a morbidly obese male who was rolled out of his bed.  He subsequently could not get up. And stayed there for 2 days.... His wife continued to feed him.  He then aspirated.  So he was finally admitted with aspiration pneumonia and acute-on-chronic kidney failure.

Just let that story, and more importantly the visual, ruminate with you.

You're welcome.

Little Talks.

In the past month and a half I have now had 3 of these:

• me: hey!
• friend: hey! how are you!?
• me: oh I'm fine and how are you!?
• friend: I'm good! .... I'm engaged!!! 

Me.  Giddy girly squeals of excitement.  Get all the girly details of proposal and wedding plans.

Hang up. Go on with my day until all of a sudden my 26 dateless years flash before me (accidental dates where I sweat buckets don't count okay).


You know it's out of control when... during my break at the lake, while watching a movie on TV with my father who can't stand reality shows, a commercial for the Bachelor comes on:

• silence.  serious dad voice:  "maybe you should go on that show" 
• me: thanks dad.  I have never considered that.  I have however thought I should be the Bachelorette as then I have all the control. But still, not quite entirely sure how to process that suggestion. 

 A few weeks ago, while in the cafeteria having lunch with the two-girls in my group who are hilarious and get as irritated with IM as me (so we laugh our way through together to survive).  Then a guy I did psychiatry with in NY showed up in the cafeteria surprising me.  He sat down with us and we rehashed hysterical stories.  Then somehow the topic landed on me:

•  friend: I'm having a party at my place this weekend because I'm leaving Baltimore.  You are coming!
• me: oooo yaaaa... I wish I could, but I really don't want to.
• friend: You are so ridiculous! Do you hang out with anyone here!?
• me: I do actually! Visad and I were on the same floor team for a while, will be on night-float together, and always get along great and have fun.  And I hang out with these girls all the time! We have a blasty-blast together. Bam.
• friend:  are you talking about in the setting of the hospital? That's not 'hanging-out'!!! "Out" actually means outside of the confines of work!
• me: oh.  well then you got me. checkmate. 

Conversation with lady I rent my room from in her house.  This morning while making coffee:

• Lady: I'm so glad you don't have to work today.  I can't get over how much you have to work.  It's like a marathon. 
• Me: Ya a full day off to just study is blessing
• Lady: I'm going to make ____ for lunch later do you want one! (she's very persistent in trying to feed me and I'm running out of creative ways to say why I don't want anything and will eat what I make, such that she will drop it and not be offended)
• Me: oh that's sweet of you. No thank you though.  I am going out to grab a quick coffee later with a friend so I'll just have something to eat then. 
• Lady: oh! That is soooo good you are going out and doing something! You never do that! 

Clearly I'm not the only one who is blatantly aware of my nonexistent social life.

Little Links:

• why did you want to become a doctor?
• Intervention?
• My view of The Bachelor
• What I say to myself to self-soothe from anxiety