Re: I'm A Teary Toad

I came across this gem and I really feel like it embodies all I was trying to convey in my post about my new found crying episodes.

Breaking News Of The Day. I Don't Have Kids.

So I'm with one of my laboring patients today - a lovely, and very chatty,  23 year old girl about to have her 3rd kid.  She has her sister, mother, baby-daddy, and babby-daddy's great grandma all in the room. A loud bunch. But an entertaining bunch.  They are collectively trying to decide on a first-name for this baby-girl about to enter the world (coming up with some crap-stack-terrible-ideas for names), and then turn to me and say - I like YOUR name! I'm all, well thanks! I think it's a pretty good name!
Then sister asks me - you have any kids???
me - nope
patient - what!? really? how old are you!?
me - 25
patient/sister in unison - whaaaaat you 25 and you aint got kids?
me - nope
baby daddy (shocked) - whaaaat!? dat crazy! when you gonna have dem kids?
me - not for a looooong time (ie never)
baby daddy - you don't wanna be dat old 41year old picken' yo' kid up from kindergarten!
me - that's definitely not the dream. nope.


What a treat  - to evoke such a reaction of shock and wonderment out of a group of people of my being 25 years old and nulliparous. 

Turns Out I'm A Big Crybaby

What.... a turn of the lazy-susan. 

After years and years and years of being an lacrimal-duct-challenged robot, I have evidently turned into a bottomless pit of raging tears.  Okay, well not so much raging tears per say. Raging rage with the presence of tears is a more accurate description.  But whatever. Point being - I'm a teary faced little toad.

Do you want to know what really threw a lit-match onto this fuel-soaked-pile-of-suppressed-shit?
Being awake for 29hrs straight then getting home into bed and watching the saddest episode of Army Wives -- that's what.  (side note: yes. I am completely, 100% emotionally, committed to Army Wives. A show with a fan base consisting of menopausal house-wives and me. I'm not ashamed to admit this.)

Me, post call. Probably the ugliest side of me.  I get all curled up in bed, resume watching an episode, and one of my favorite characters dies!!! *Normal* me would be all, 'aw that's to bad'.  *Post-call* me was freaking hysterical.  Face half covered with blankets as I sob! You know what I mean? The 'ugly-cry'.  Through broken heaves and sobs I'm crying out in a deep manly voice - NOOOOOHOHOHO!! WWWWWWHY!?!? NOoooohohoNoo! Wwwwhy!!  Not. *choke on tears* Jer-e-my *choke on tears*  My eyes quickly became swollen from the fast escape of tears, which is when I finally had some voice of reason say "what is happening to you right now!? stop this! sleep!"
So I listened.  I passed out instantly.  Woke up 6hrs later - it was 3pm.  I got up to eat, and resumed watching more of the episode.  Started bawling again.  Turned it off at 5pm.  Then woke up next to my alarm at 5am to go back to work.  That's right. Do the math - I slept 18hrs. 

One would think this amount of sleep would cure any illogical, unreasonably excessive emotion.

One would think.

However, add a dash of effed-up hormones to the mix and a dollop or heap of misery while in Ob-Gyn rotation...


You get me.

An unpredictable basket-case.

...Doing more than just dipping my toes into the sea-of-mental-break-down.

My Mother Is Cray Cray Awesome

After hearing their daughter vent about how some bitchy OR nurse ruined their already crap-filled day... *some* mothers may say things such as, 'oh sweetie - that doesn't sound pleasant, but maybe you have to think about your own attitude toward things like these as well." or "oh honey -you can't let those little things bother you".
Instead my mother sends me the following to keep me laughing and lift my spirits all day long. What. a great lady.


 






The woman knows me well.


And this pretty much sums up my life right now.
http://whatshouldwecallmedschool.tumblr.com/post/48282906110/every-day-since-the-start-of-medschool

I May Need An Intervention Soon.

Okay. I know. I totally went overboard on the last post...

The general feedback from the last post was more along the line of pure disgust, to which, at first I was all “what are you talking about – it wasn’t that bad”.  Then I realized the line of ‘disgusting’ has been crossed so far that the line is now a dot to me, and sometimes my social graces forget that not everyone tolerates such mental imagery like some of us sick-folk.

I actually don't have anything to say right now... I just want to write to tell you that I am well aware of the fact that I have totally fallen off the deep end. And I mean deep deep deep end.  I have so many stories that come to mind when I'm driving, or falling asleep, then I get busy or forget or get complete mental block and can't summon the energy to write it out.

Then I feel like I get too far behind and start forgetting particular highlight-worthy moments!  This is where you can come in... did I have a great conversation with you over text during a particular ridiculous med school/life moment that you can remember!? Send ME a message and relay it back to me!! I need to be reminded!

I was just looking at some of the earlier times I wrote on here and was shocked!  Firstly, by the fact that I started this in 2011 and we are already well into 2013.  Shit.
Secondly, at how many times I posted in a friggin month back then!! What the hell happened you guys!? Now it's like 4 months in between stupid stories.  My first thought was, 'wow girl! you were so diligent and really on top of your shit with balancing school and blog crap!'.  This was quickly followed by, 'wow girl. you really had no friends. you really didn't get out much. you really had no outlet source whatsoever.  I'm surprised you didn't write more! sad sad little girl'.
Actually I know what happened... I got back to North America and got a phone where you are now at my fingertips! And facetime. and skype.  Thanks a lot imessage. you totally screwed my goal of medschool documentation.

Reality: I still don't have many friends in school.  I still don't get out much. I should be writing more. but alas. I suck right now.

Eugh.  Seriously I'm so pathetic right now.  I finished pediatrics, and I can confidently say - I will not be a pediatrician.  Now I'm in ob/gyn.  Finished week 2/6.  Aaaaaaand already I can strongly say - I will not be an obstetrician or gynecologist.  Eugh. Not. For. Me.  No. Nono. No no no no. No.

On a different note. I totes wanted to bitch slap an OR nurse today. I also had the pleasure of dealing with a twat-faced bitch of an attending.  She's the kind that hates students (I'm sorry I wasn't aware there was a school you could go to where you went straight into being an effing attending!); doesn't want you to scrub in on cases so you are stuck standing in a corner with the trash and can't see for shit; doesn't acknowledge your existence as a human-friggin-being (I shit you not. Today she did the hand gesture to say "I need a pen stat", so as I was right beside her and had my pen handy, I pull it out of my pocket and hold it out for her... the bitch doesn't take my pen.  Just stands there, looking through me as I stand with my pathetic pen-in-hand floating in the air, and waits for the resident to go across the room to get his pen.)
 Some of my favorite ecards came to mind - particularly today - as I was hidden behind my surgical gown and mask...

To the OR nurse today.


To majority of my classmates



and a very important prayer to me



Okay seriously you guys (you know who you are!!), send me a message telling me YOUR favourite story I have shared with you so far!! Help a pathetic girl out!